Well…well…well. I was not planning to take a 2 month break, but feel free to blame The Minecraft Movie for ruining my life and making me feel too burnt out to focus on writing. This week’s review comes with a promise. I am not missing another week unless something crazy happens. I cannot guarantee a Monday release every week, but I can promise that there will be a new review every week going forward. I really like doing this and I hate having huge gaps. Anyways, enough of that. Let’s talk about the WWF’s first one-night tournament on PPV. Also, they call it the first annual Wrestling Classic a lot on this show, but it’s the only one they ever did. Get comfy in those nosebleeds, it’s time to talk about The Wrestling Classic!

We get introduced to The Wrestling Classic and are immediately informed that tonight’s show is all about our 16 man tournament and that one lucky fan will win a Rolls Royce. Vince Mcmahon (human scum), Lord Alfred Hayes, and Susan Waters run down the bracket for tonight’s tournament and Hayes calls it “The ultimate test of physical endurance” While I love selling how physically draining it is to win a tournament, every match is like 5 minutes long. This isn’t the finals of the Continental Classic.

We see a handful of wrestlers draw their opponents names for tonight. Ricky Steamboat gets Davey Boy Smith and calls him a “fine young man” calm down, Dragon. Macho Man has Elizabeth select for him and she pulls Ivan Putski. Macho Man berates her for this, which is very mean. Mr. Fuji selects for Don Muraco and gets the reigning intercontinental champion, Tito Santana. This really pleases him.

Mean Gene is with the kayfabe president of the WWF, Jack Tunney. He’s very excited for the event tonight. Alright, let’s have some fucking wrestling now.

Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura are on commentary tonight which is nice.

Match #1- Round 1 Match: Adrian Adonis/w Jimmy Hart vs Corporal Kirchner

As the great Jim Ross would say, this is bowling shoe ugly. We have a lot of matches to get through and a lot of them are very short so some of these will be brief. Adonis and Kirchner didn’t have chemistry, and this match is mostly boring mat work. Jimmy Hart is dressed in a tiger print suit for some reason. The finish is actually pretty nice, with Adonis seemingly inventing the Edgecution. Adonis advancing was a good call because he’s a solid heel and Kirchner is so so boring. We have Sgt. Slaughter at home.

Mean Gene is backstage with Adonis and Hart. Jimmy Hart says his boy is gonna have a great night and Adonis claims he wrote the book on wrestling and tonight he re-writes it. I don’t know why Adonis saying that is so funny to me.

Match #2- Round 1 Match: The Dynamite Kid vs Nikolai Volkoff

Nikolai Volkoff begins singing the Russian national anthem and while he does so, Dynamite sneaks into the top rope and surprises the bog Russian with a missile dropkick and gets a surprise win. This was a very creative and fun way to have a really short match tonight. Dynamite is a hell of a wrestler and an awful human being. Never forget he allegedly put steroids in a dog.

Mean Gene interviews The Macho Man and this is classic Macho, folks. He says he’s nervous, he’s hyper, and he’s quick as a cat. There is no one on the planet who has ever been able to touch this dude on the mic. Electric.

Match #3- Round 1 Match: Ivan Putski vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage/w Miss Elizabeth

This match is like 2 minutes long but somehow tells an incredible story because Macho Man is one of the greatest of all time. Putski consistently overpowers Macho at every turn until Macho is finally able to leverage himself on top of Putski and get his feet on the ropes for the win. Really simple and really realistic. Even though I liked this match it’s hard to have a really excellent match because of the time constraints.

Vince tries to say some bullshit, but Nikolai Volkoff runs up and says he was robbed. I mean if I were in his shoes I’d be frustrated too. He’s missing out on his share of the winner’s purse.

Match #4- Round 1 Match: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs Davey Boy Smith

This should be a great match. Steamboat and Davey are both so athletic and things start out so fact paced. This feels like it’s gonna be an incredible showcase for both men until Davey hits his dick on the ropes and can’t continue so the match is stopped. What a complete waste. I think about this finish a lot, because I remember being utterly baffled the first time I watch it like 10 years ago. He hit his dick on the ropes.

Mean Gene is with JYD who puts over The Iron Sheik huge, not even mentioning Iran or any xenophobic stuff. He also says he loves Chicago and the fans. That’s so nice.

Match #5- Round 1 Match: The Iron Sheik vs The Junkyard Dog

Sheik goes after JYD immediately, trying to end this match fast. JYD is resilient and fights through Sheik’s offense to his a big headbutt and score his ticket to the quarter finals. I’m so sorry there just isn’t much to say with some of these.

Mean Gene is here with Terry Funk and Jimmy Hart. Funk says he’s gonna take out Orndorff and then he’s going to take the belt from the soon to be WWF champion, Roddy Piper. Excellent heel stuff here.

Match #6- Round 1 Match: Moondog Spot vs Terry Funk/w Jimmy Hart

What is Moondog Spot’s gimmick? Is he a human dog? He has a big bone in his hand (Whoa now) Funk grabs the mic and says he doesn’t want to fight Spot and Spot agrees. I guess because he doesn’t care about winning? Funk asks Spot to leave the ring with him and he does. The ref begins counting and that dirty rotten Funker attacks Spot from behind before running back to the ring. Spot runs after him and fights back before getting into the ring before Funk and…winning by count out! That’s right Moondog Spot has beaten Terry Funk. Now I’m sure you’re expecting me to be angry about this because I adore Terry Funk and more Funk matches means more good wrestling. But this was a fun finish that backfired on the heel. Heel’s should always be doing everything they can to make winning a tournament easier. Plus it’s not like Spot pinned him or anything. Plus Funk gets his heat back by attacking the human dog man.

Mean Gene is with Don Muraco and Mr. Fuji. Muraco and Fuji put over Tito Santana HUGE here. They keep talking about how pinning the Intercontinental champion tonight will make him the winner tonight regardless of if he wins the whole tournament. YES. This is how you add prestige to your championship’s. Muraco is putting that belt’s importance over the actual tournament.

Match #7- Round 1 Match: Tito Satana vs The Magnificent Muraco/w Mr. Fuji

Not a ton to discuss here. Ventura does his classic racist “Chico Santana” thing a lot on commentary. Santana is very vicious here, going after Muraco, who he sees as a threat. We get a fake out pin where Muraco pins Santana with his foot on the ropes. The ref counts 3, but then realizes his mistake and doesn’t ring the bell. Tito takes advantage and pins Muraco with an inside cradle. Kind of heelish move from Tito, but Muraco did start it.

Mean Gene is with Bobby Heenan. Heenan says he’s scouting the tournament for new talent, which leads to Gene calling him out for not putting any of his clients in the tournament. Heenan is having none of this buffoonery and says once again that he has a $50,000 bounty on Paul Orndorff’s head tonight. This is a gimmick that needs to be brought back.

Match #8- Round 1 Match: “Cowboy” Bob Orton vs “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff

This is another match that makes Orndorff look really great. Orton knows he can’t beat him so he decides to get himself DQ’d with his signature cast. This does help Orndorff advance, but in theory it should make the quarter finals more difficult for him. Spoiler alert: This has no effect on that match and Orndorff barely sells the cast shot. Sorry for such a short description, but like there isn’t much to say here.

Vince, Alfred, and Susan break down Round 1 and Lord Al is hilariously weird as always. Terry Funk interrupts to yell that he was robbed and he can beat Hulk Hogan, Paul Orndorff, and JYD. Hell yeah!

Match #9- Quarter Finals: Dynamite Kid vs Adrian Adonis/w Jimmy Hart

Jesse Ventura leaves commentary during this match to go talk to the Macho Man. A supportive friend! This is a fairly boring match. The main highlight is Adonis doing a sharpshooter to Dynamite. Dynamite sneaks out a win after he knocks Adonis into Hart and rolls him up. Fairly decent finish, but this match just felt very dull. Afterwards, Adonis throws a weird tantrum like he’s Christian in 2002.

Mean Gene is with Jesse Ventura who says he helped the Macho Man, but is still unbiased. That’s some great shit.

Match #10- Quarter Finals: Ricky ‘The Dragon” Steamboat vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage/w Miss Elizabeth

Wow, you guys just wait a year and a half. Savage starts out by using Liz as a human shield before going after Steamboat with his robe still on. These guys do what they can with 4 minutes. Fuck, I wish they could’ve gone 15. Just when this match feels like it’s getting started, Macho Man hits Steamboat with brass knuckles during a back suplex and lands on him for the win. Really great finish, especially since they imply that Ventura gave Savage the knucks to help him out here.

Mean Gene is with Moondog Spot, who speaks in grunts. Still a better promo than Logan Paul.

Match #11- Quarter Finals: Moondog Spot vs JYD

Dog vs Dog! This is less then a minute and JYD gets an easy win after he headbutts Spot and…counts the pin himself? Is that legal? How could the WWF allow this? Where is President Jack Tunney?

Mean Gene is with Bobby Heenan again. Heenan says Hogan is losing the belt tonight because he’s spent the last year touring the world and he’s gotta be drained. Love that.

Match #12- Quarter Finals: Tito Santana vs Paul Orndorff

First of all, Ventura keeps mentioning water gate during this match. Why? This is a fascinating match up. Two brave babyfaces trying to be respectful, but the spirit of competition is making both of them lean towards being more aggressive. This builds some wonderful tension that leads to them brawling on the outside and getting a double count out. Uh Oh! that means both men are eliminated and JYD gets a bye to the finals tonight. This could’ve been the set up for something cool between Orndorff and Tito, but it’s not.

Vince, Lord Al, and Susan are here to break down the quarter finals and…Alfred Hayes is kissing on Susan. See, Vince always had this weird sense of humor. So to him this is like a gag that Alfred Hayes is gonna get some, but it comes off as creepy. Plus we all know that Vince is a monster so anything having to do with female talent getting kissed, groped, or being romantic around him makes me uncomfortable.

Mean Gene talks to Hulk Hogan who says he’s coming down on Roddy Piper. Blah blah blah shut up, bitch!

Match #13- WWF World Championship: Hulk Hogan vs “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

Not an awful match, but I have a bone to pick with it and I will get to that. Hogan starts strong, causing Piper to play dirty. Piper is definitely the workhorse here so he knows how to bump and sell to make Hogan look good. Eventually, to get out of Piper’s sleeper, Hogan grabs the ref’s shirt. Hogan loves doing this by the way. This causes a ref bump. Piper grabs a chair and hits Hogan. Hogan then wields the chair upside down to hit Piper and apply a sleeper with the chair still in hand. This was insanely odd looking. Cowboy Bob runs down to hit Hogan and cause the DQ before Orndorff runs down the make the save. Piper should have just won here. He can lose the belt back to Hogan, but this was the perfect opportunity to give Piper a world title run. Just a nasty heel victory. But I also hate Hogan so maybe I’m biased.

Mean Gene is with JYD, but Jimmy Hart runs and yells at him for embarrassing him on Saturday Night’s Main Event. Kinda nothing but good that we’re not forgetting what happened on previous shows.

Match #14- Semi Final Match: The Dynamite Kid vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage/w Miss Elizabeth

So on paper this should rock, but it kind of feels like nothing until the finish. Macho Man does get some good heat. The finish is Dynamite crotching Macho on the top rope and doing a superplex where Savage ends up on top of Dynamite in an inside cradle for the win. Very wonderful finish that Macho sells the hell out of. Also, going into the finals Macho Man has wrestled 3 matches and JYD has wrestled 2.

Vince and Susan announce that it’s time to announce who won the Rolls Royce. I wrote a bunch of notes but fuck that. This was awful fluff. The fans booed the shit out of it. They had like 5 different people in the ring saying the exact same stuff. A complete waste of time but congrats to the guy who won it.

Mean Gene is with Hulk Hogan and Paul Orndorff. Hogan says nothing of note besides “Ringy dingy dingy” and he says that like 3 times? Orndorff throws a chair and starts yelling about interference. The promo keeps coming to a natural conclusion but both of them keep talking until they just cut them off. I’m gonna take a wild guess and say Hogan was scared of Orndorff taking his spot so wouldn’t let him get the last word. I hate that fucking dude.

Match #15: Tournament Finals: “Macho Man” Randy Savage/w Miss Elizabeth vs The Junkyard Dog

This is a decent match, but the dynamics are way off. JYD is the babyface who has had a really easy tournament and wrestled less matches. Macho Man has been cheating to win, but he’s wrestled 3 times and is way more broken down here. Early on Macho throws a chair at JYD, who catches it and beats it against his own head. That fucking rocks. They stall for like 2 straight minutes to drag things out since it’s the main event. Behind the ref’s back, Macho Man uses a chair upside down to hit JYD. What the fuck is up with the upside down chair? Is this a rib? Macho sells a lot for JYD here. After 9 minutes (The longest match tonight) JYD backdrops Macho to the outside and he is counted out! JYD wins the first and only Wrestling Classic! I mean I wouldn’t have booked him to win after receiving a bye and tournaments shouldn’t end with a count out, but that’s nice. There is no wrestler besides JYD who has ever won this and that’s pretty cool!

Mean gene walks down to the ring to interview our winner, but Jesse Ventura storms in and says JYD stole this win from Randy Savage. And like…he’s not wrong but Gorilla Monsoon does point out that there was no other opponent for JYD to wrestle. JYD looks kind of bad here because he just looks sad and offended but doesn’t get angry or argue back against Ventura. A very awkward segment.

The show closes with Vince, Lord Al, and Susan. Lord Alfred Hayes informs us he will fuck Susan tonight. Weird as hell. Fuck Vince.

That’s the Wrestling Classic, folks. A pretty bad show. 15 matches that were all under 10 minutes long. There were some creative finishes and ideas and Randy Savage especially made this worth a watch, but this is just a lame and forgotten show. It had potential to set up lots of cool match ups and feuds but just doesn’t. Orndorff and Tito don’t feud, Piper doesn’t get the belt, JYD and Macho Man don’t do anything after this. Hell, JYD could at least fucking headbutt Jesse Ventura on Saturday Night’s Main Event. Anyways, next week we’re heading back to Jim Crockett Promotions for Starrcade 1985!

I also wanted to send some positive thoughts to Jim Ross. There are very few people who have had as big of an impact on the world of pro wrestling as JR. I’m from Oklahoma and as much as I don’t love my home state, being from the same state as the greatest pro wrestling announcer of all time has always been really cool to me. I feel like a lot of people don’t realize how many people made it to WWE because of him. He has an incredible eye for talent. And there is no one who has ever sat in that booth and made wrestling feel as real as him. I wish him a full and speedy recovery. Boomer Sooners!