Welcome back nose buddies, nose heads, nosiots. You know, when I started doing this I knew there would be shows that would challenge me. Not intellectually, but would challenge my patience. I did not realize how soon that would happen. We move our clocks forward one year in time to November 1984 for Jim Crockett Promotions second annual Starrcade event. And I thought it was kind of a stinker. So get comfy in those nosebleeds and lets talk about Starrcade 1984: The Million Dollar Challenge.

We get a replay of the finish from last year’s main event with Ric Flair capturing the world title. Then it’s back to Gordon Solie and Bob Caudle to hype up the event this evening. It’s only been a year but this show really keeps the vibe from the inaugural event.

Match #1: NWA World Junior Heavyweight Championship: Denny Brown vs Mike Davis

This won’t be the last time I type these words during this review: Not much to say about this match. Brown and Davis both make their Starrcade debuts and seem like fine workers. But this match is mostly just Davis working the back until Denny can win the gold. Which isn’t even an official title win because of a deal with New Japan. Plus the finish is very awkward with both men pinning each other, but Denny gets to win because of it. Okay?

Match #2: Mr. Ito vs Brian Adias

Here’s another nothing match. Commentary makes outdated remarks regarding Mr. Ito’s wrestling style which is always uncomfortable to listen to. Both men are making their Starrcade debut and have a short technical match. And with how technical the match is, Brian wins with an airplane spin. I am not having a good time.

Match #3: NWA Florida Heavyweight Championship: Mike Graham vs Jesse Barr

Guess what? Both men making their Starrcade debuts. Mike Graham is the son of Eddie Graham and Jesse Barr is the brother of Art Barr. Again, not much to say here. Jesse is a hell of a seller and makes Graham look like a genuine threat. And because of how much damage he takes, Jesse cheats to win by putting his feet in the ropes. Wait a minute…Jesse Barr is brothers with Art Barr and Art Barr teamed with Eddie Guererro. Maybe that’s where he got it from. After the bell JJ Dillion brings out his boys to attack Jesse. Dick Slater and Ricky Steamboat try to help, but the heels are just too tough.

Match #4: Elimination Match: Assassin #1 and Buzz Tyler vs Zambuie Express (Elijah Akeem and Kareem Muhammed)/w Paul Jones

Assassin #1 returns to Starrcade for the second time. He’s ditched Assassin #2 for…Buzz Tyler in his first Starrcade. Also the first Starrcade for Zambuie Express. If you aren’t familiar with the Zambuie Express, their gimmick is that they are militaristic black Muslim’s. And they also wrestled under the name The Muslim Connection. When you go back and watch old wrestling, gimmicks like this will pop up a lot. With promoters playing into international tensions and racial stereotypes. It’s uncomfortable and also very necessary to discuss. This match isn’t much of anything. The elimination rule barely matters because after one member of the Zambuie Express is pinned, the other just leaves. Wow, great booking!

We get a Dusty Rhodes promo where he goes after Ric Flair’s luxurious lifestyle and talks about how he’s a hard working and relatable guy. Very good stuff!

Match #5: NWA Brass Knuckles Championship: “Raging Bull” Manny Fernandez vs Black Bart/w J.J. Dillion

The NWA Brass Knuckles title is a rough and rugged belt and a precursor to hardcore championships. No DQ’s and there must be a winner! Both men in their first Starrcade here. Also I want to mention that Black Bart passed away a couple weeks before the time of writing this. Rest in Peace. Manny is one half of the tag champs so that belt won’t be changing hands tonight (The other half is Dusty Rhodes) Not a pretty match, but both men slug and strike until Manny…rolls Bart up? These fucking finishes tonight. Whatever, bloody Manny looks awesome. Or as Enzo Amore would say “Bloody Kalisto looks awesome” That’s such a deep cut I’m so stupid.

We get a 7 minute intermission where Schiovane interviews Ricky Steamboat, who cuts a terrible promo. He keeps talking about how he’s gearing himself. Not even up! He’s just gearing himself. Okay buddy! We then get an interview with Tully Blanchard who says he doesn’t care that Steamboat is hurt, he’s beating him and coming for the World title.

Match #6: Tuxedo Street Fight, Loser Leaves Town Match: Paul Jones/w Zambuie Express vs Jimmy Valiant/w Assassin #1

Pick a stipulation! The rules here are that both parties must wear a tuxedo, there must be a finish, and the loser leaves town. This is Paul Jones’ first actual match at Starrcade and Jimmy Valiant’s second. Valiant has ditched the Charlie Brown gimmick and is back to being himself! Pretty funny opening spot where Valiant ties Jones to the ropes and just goes crazy on him. After Jones gets free we stumble to the finish where J.J Dillion costs Valiant the match. Valiant does not actually leave town after this so he LIED TO THE FANS. And to think I liked this guy. He charmed my socks off as Charlie Brown but I have seen his true colors. DISGUSTING. Bad match.

Tony Schiavone is back and he interviews Ric Flair. Now Flair is much better here, but he’s still not quite Ric Flair. And it’s because he’s a face? With this stipulation? He plans on beating Dusty tonight. I mean, no shit.

Match #7: NWA Mid Atlantic Heavyweight Championship: Ron Bass/w J.J Dillion vs Dirty Dick Slater

This is Bass’ first Starrcade and Dirty Dick’s 2nd. Dirty Dick. This is a decent match. Dick has good babyface fire and Bass plays the dastardly heel pretty well. Slater uses Bass’ anger to get him to act stupid and take advantage. I wish we got a proper finish since Dick gets DQ’d for attacking the ref. After using Bass’ anger against him. Wow! So good you guys!

The National Anthem plays over shaky camera footage of the American flag. I know this is to hype up beating the foreign heels but I’d like to imagine it’s a commentary on Ronald Reagan’s presidency.

Match #8: Ivan and Nikita Koloff vs Ole Anderson and Keith Larson/w Don Kernodle

All four men’s first Starrcade. This of course includes notable racist Ole Anderson. This is a fairly aggressive match. I’m really not into the whole America vs foreign heels thing. I think it ages like milk so quickly and it’s lazy. Plus it promotes this idea of nationalism that I find very offensive. The idea that everyone from the good ole’ US of A is a hardworking so and so, but if you’re from somewhere else you’re “other” and “evil” But the faces lose to the Russians here. And Don Kernodle goes nuts with his cane on them. Don Kernodle you will never be Angelo Mosca.

Match #9: NWA World Television Championship/20,000 Dollars: Tully Blanchard vs Ricky Steamboat

In this match Tully can lose the belt by count out and DQ. This is Tully’s first Starrcade and Steamboat’s second. And it’s match of the night! Actual decent match here too! Steamboat is working hurt so Tully is relentless on his back and ribs. But Steamboat is THE babyface so he’s brave and fights as much as he can! They also do one of my favorite Steamboat spots where he tries to back suplex his opponent into the ring, but they have knucks! And land on top of him. That’s not the actual finish for some reason though. And Tully wins? Oh…I mean…Ugh look I won’t complain. I’ll give this show this match. This ONE match. Alright? Alright.

Match #10: NWA United States Heavyweight Championship: Wahoo McDaniel vs “Superstar” Billy Graham

I mean….oof. Wahoo’s 2nd Starrcade and Graham’s 1st. Awful shit. This is easily the worst match of the night. No disrespect, but this is just two guys who are past their prime wrestling like they’re underwater. Thankfully it’s short, but it’s depressing. I mean Billy Graham was the man like 6 years before this. Wahoo retains. I hate this show.

Match #11: NWA World Heavyweight Championship/1 Million Dollars: “Nature Boy” Ric Flair vs Dusty Rhodes

Joe Frazier is the referee here. Flair’s 2nd Starrcade match and Dusty’s 1st. So…this match is fine. I would’ve liked a 20 or 30 minute match, but 12 minutes of your two biggest stars in the main event of the biggest show of the year is fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. Who says it isn’t fine? Dusty does the figure four to Flair? awesome. Dusty escapes the sleeper hold by throwing Flair out of the ring? Awesome. The match ends because Dusty Rhodes got a cut and Frazier ends the match? No, fuck this. What are we doing here? On a night of awful finishes we get the worst one in our main event. I want everyone who said Cody losing to Roman was bad to know that this is so much worse. What is this, man? I’m making a numbered list of what’s wrong here.

1. They’re both faces so the million dollar situation feels weird? Because they do bring up Flair’s lifestyle of being rich so like…he’s the villain here.
2. When has a match ever ended like this? The 80s were all about wrestlers bleeding? It wasn’t even that bad.
3. They defend Frazier’s decision because he’s a boxer. YOU LITERALLY DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS
4. Dusty Rhodes, the working class hero fails to win the world title and the money. What a weird stipulation. If you wanted Flair to retain just have a normal match where he wins. No bullshit finishes, no million dollars. Come on now.

We get Schiavone interviewing Flair, who is decent here and feels more heelish since he is HOLDING A CHECK FOR A MILLION DOLLARS which he will of course blow in about fifteen minutes because he’s Ric Flair. Also Tony accidentally says “That’s shit” I agree! Then we have Dusty Rhodes who gives a brilliant promo about how fucking mad he is and how he wants that belt and he’s coming for it. Hell yeah! The night ends with Joe Frazier defending his decision, saying that he was worried about Dusty. Well you should be worried about Caleb having to watch this in 40 years.

Starrcade 1984. What a bad show. The in ring action was lacking and almost all of the finishes were bad. I feel so exhausted now. This was such a chore, I’m gonna have a drink and watch Shrinking. Come back next week when I finally discuss…The World Wrestling Federation. It’s Wrestlemania I