Well look at that! 2 reviews in 2 days. Look, this show honestly fucking sucks and I’m gonna have to touch on a lot of very serious stuff because it has aged horribly. Let’s just do this it’s Nose Bleed Wrestling.

Mr. T is hitting a punching bag when Mean Gene interrupts him and rightfully gets called a fool. He’s training, leave him alone.

Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura welcome us to the show and hype us up for an evening of exciting action.

There’s a replay explaining why Mr. T is here. Roddy Piper and Bob Orton had an open contract saying anyone can box Bob Orton. Hogan shows up and says “Well it’ll be Mr. T, brother” so Bob Orton and Mr. T are gonna box. Does Vince know this is a wrestling company?

Mean Gene is with Piper and Orton. Bob Orton is no longer a Cowboy. He has evolved and become Battlin’ Bob Orton. First of all, awesome. Second of all, this implies we were dangerously close to Randy Orton being the son of a boxer. The son of a boxer who loses his sight in an accident involving toxic chemicals. And while they do take his sight, they enhance his other abilities. Eventually he is trained in the art of combat by a man name stick and becomes the vigilante known as Daredevil. Anyways, Roddy Piper shows a picture of Mr. T with Boy George and implies he’s gay saying “Is this who you want your kids looking up to?” What the fuck are we doing here? That’s just an awful thing to say in the name of heel heat. Also Mr. T treating Boy George with respect when he guest starred on the A Team is very nice. The T in Mr. T stands for Tolerant. Piper then gets racist about Mr. T’s hair. Fucking cool it down, Hot Rod. I get that you’re the heel but using weird homophobia and racism for heat is ridiculous. Orton tries to ramble, but he just wants to fight to be a hero for his blind son. Why am I still doing this bit?

Mr. T is taping his hands and we get a video of him abusing his sparring partner. He knocks off his headgear and then knocks him out. That’s the Clubber Lang we know and love. Mean Gene catches up with Mr. T who says Rocky III was a movie, but this is real. I for one love that. He also has a stick with a boxing glove on it for some reason. Maybe Green Arrow left it there. How many more comic book jokes can I make in this review?

MATCH #1- Mr. T vs Battlin’ Bob Orton/w Roddy Piper

So…this is not wrestling. I’m a wrestling guy. My knowledge of boxing is pretty much based on movies. So is this a good boxing match? I don’t know. It’s a vehicle to make Mr. T look good and set up him and Piper at Mania. Mr. T knocks out Bob Orton. Piper runs in and spits on him before Orton joins him for a double team. They start whipping Mr. T with a belt and Jesse says on commentary “He looks like he’s in Roots 2” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? That is insane. Using racism to get heel heat is cheap and it’s horseshit. You can “different time” me all you want, but that doesn’t make it right. You’re literally making a slavery joke? This is an attempt at making Jesse the evil heel announcer, but all it does is distract anyone with their head on straight. You have a commentator making fun of a black man being whipped. Fucking tasteless.

Mean Gene talks to Mr. T again. T says he wants Piper and calls Mean Gene a fool, which is fun.

Now Mean Gene is with Bobby Heenan and King Kong Bundy. Bundy wants Hulk Hogan. Heenan wants a shot at the belt for his man. Why is this the WrestleMania match? Fuck, I miss the NWA.

MATCH #2- King Kong Bundy/w Bobby “The Brain” Heenan vs Steve Gatorwolf

Who is Steve Gatorwolf? With a name like Gatorwolf you’d think he’s a background gag on Avatar: The Last Airbender. But no, he’s just a jobber. Bundy only does corner stuff, chopping his opponent before hitting the Avalanche and winning. He demands the ref count to 5 because he’s that damn good. I love the 5 count gimmick because it reminds me of Big E’s NXT run where he also did this. This is also a thing in John Cena’s Road To WrestleMania in Smackdown vs Raw 2009. In that story MVP creates his own country with William Regal and Umaga and if you wrestle under their rule you have to beat them with a 5 count. After the match is over, Bundy shouts for Hogan. You know…King Kong Bundy was always thrown around to play Kingpin. I don’t like that by the way.

Mean Gene is with Don Muraco. Muraco is so bad at talking. His manager, Mr. Fuji is sick and can’t help tonight. They say he has the “Asian Flu” STOP. STOP DOING THIS SHIT. Every fucking promo on this show is racist. Heenan will fill in for Fuji tonight, which is clearly part of a larger scheme since we see Fuji just laying on his back and pretending to be sick.

Mean Gene is with Hogan, who doesn’t have much to say. He’s got Hulkamaniacs.

MATCH #3- WWF Championship: Hulk Hogan vs The Magnificent Muraco/w Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

The main story of this match is the chemistry between Heenan and Muraco. Their tactics fit well together. Heenan is using Muraco’s frustrations to give it to Hogan. And they seem so happy together. Hogan uses a lot of heel moves since he’s a real life heel. Lots of back rakes. After a leg drop the Hulkster is about to win, but Heenan jumps in and breaks it up, causing a DQ. This actually works for the story because now Bundy and Muraco are attacking Hogan. Muraco even holds Hogan against the turnbuckle while Bundy hits him with a couple avalanches and then some splashes. They fucking wreck Hogan here and I love it. Some wrestlers come out to check on him and he gets loaded into an ambulance.

Mean Gene is with Brutus Beefcake, Greg Valentine, and Johnny Valiant. The Dream Team recently lost a non title match to The British Bulldogs, which Valiant writes off as scouting. It wasn’t for the belts so they don’t care. Valentine calls the Bulldogs a circus act and Beefcake is just like “Ohhh we’re so good at wrestling and so hot” You’re lucky Hogan is around to keep you employed here.

MATCH #4- WWF Tag Team Championships: The Dream Team (Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake)/w Johnny Valiant vs The British Bulldogs (Dynamite Kid and Davey Boy Smith)

This is a wonderful match. The Bulldogs look amazing. This is mostly Davey’s match. He shows off a lot of great looking power moves. I wonder if Vince wanted him as a singles star around this time. Dynamite is so fast and intense. I’m gonna say something very uncomfortable here. You can really see the influence that Dynamite had on Chris Benoit. Two awful men. Beefcake is an odd seller. He makes such weird faces. It’s like bad acting. This match builds and builds around a babyface win until Valentine and one of the Bulldogs accidently collide into a double headbutt and Valentine accidentally retains. Really quick and awkward finish. These teams have a lot of chemistry and by these teams I do mean the Bulldogs and Valentine. Don’t even fucking look at me, Beefcake. Anyways this is the WrestleMania match. I remember that match also being good so that’ll be fun.

Mean Gene is at the hospital waiting for word on Hogan. Awkward timing.

We get the Hulk Hogan “Real American” Music video. This is a weird propaganda video that shows Hogan playing the guitar while we see photos of former U.S. Presidents. We also see Martin Luther King Jr. during this package. It’s just classic Hulk Hogan bullshit that of course leads to him telling you to eat your vitamins, say your prayers, and honor your country. In the director’s cut he also says “Sleep with Bubba The Love Sponges Wife”

Mean Gene is with Adrian Adonis and Jimmy Hart. So, Adrian Adonis’ gimmick is he’s gay. Like proto Goldust. He acts stereotypical and says he hates dogs. Why does everyone who feuds with JYD talk about dogs? Like he is the Junkyard Dog but he’s a man. Why do you keep saying “I hate dogs!”

MATCH #5- The Junkyard Dog vs Adrian Adonis/w Jimmy Hart

There’s a sign in the crowd that says, “Junk the Fag JYD” Go fuck yourself. I am queer so I obviously have very complicated feelings on “gay panic” heels. Adonis is good here, but when you use people’s prejudices for heel heat, you’re just making people boo gay characters. It just sucks. I don’t like watching old wrestling and seeing signs that say Fag. Vince implies Jesse is gay for a laugh. Vince, suck my fucking dick you steroid riddled bitch. Adonis sells his ass off for JYD here. This whole match is about JYD looking good and Adonis makes him look amazing. They also have a great spot where Jimmy Hart uses one of Adonis’ scarves to tie JYD’s leg to the ropes. During this spot, the referee, Earl Hebner grabs Adonis by the hair to pull him off. Show this to the dorks who get mad at Aubrey Edwards. JYD bounces Adonis off the skull of Jimmy Hart to get the big win tonight. But Adonis immediately gets his heat back and beats up JYD before throwing a weird tantrum that makes Vince use a disgusting baby voice. Kinda weird this isn’t the Mania program, but JYD is more feuding with Jimmy Hart than any of his wrestlers on their own.

Mean Gene is with a doctor who says Hogan has hurt his back, ribs, and neck. He’s about a month away from snitching on plans for wrestlers to unionize so his spine must be injured too. We get a special message from Hogan that says “Nothing can keep the Hulkster down, I’m getting out of here”

That was a bad show. I liked the tag title match and the JYD match, but that was a slog. This show has aged like milk. There was racism and homophobia around every corner. It’s an uncomfortable watch but it is important to remember how casual the racism and homophobia was here. Even if you didn’t notice as a kid, you have to recognize how fucked up some of the stuff in the WWF was.

WrestleMania 2 is around the corner, and I am not excited. See you soon and remember….Fuck Hulk Hogan.