So, yes, I am once again a month late to writing a review somehow. And yes, there has been some pretty huge news in the wrestling world in between me watching this show and actually writing this. Let’s just get into this. Get comfy in those nose bleeds and let’s talk about Saturday Night’s Main Event IV!

We open with Hulk Hogan and Mean Gene at a waterpark. Hogan is making a child’s idea of a protein shake, which mean Gene is skeptical of. This gives Hogan power. Funny, I thought that came from Billy Graham helping you take steroids all the time. Where the hell is Arsenio Hall when you need him? Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura are also at the waterpark. They’re surrounded by women in bikinis who are rubbing Ventura. Piper is watching the hillbillies with binoculars since they’re in the lazy river. Vince and Jesse are back at the venue and Jesse lectures him saying that being an announcer and wrestling is a big deal. A young Pat McAfee started loudly talking over the TV when he heard this. Jesse intros Bobby Heenan to do commentary in his place while he takes care of those disgusting hillbillies.

Roddy Piper and Bob Orton are being interviewed by Mean Gene and Piper says that those hicks are the real villains. That’s fucking right! The Hillbillies get mic time. That’s all I wrote? Okay.

MATCH #1- Jesse “The Body” Ventura, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, and “Cowboy” Bob Orton vs Hillbilly Jim, Cousin Elmer, and Cousin Luke

Who is Cousin Luke? Heenan says that people shouldn’t wear overalls while they wrestle and I fully agree. Heenan also really gives it to Vince here. Vince is a bad announcer so he can’t keep up with THE best announcer of all time. Bob Orton is such a good hand here. He’s always gonna be overshadowed by Randall Keith, but man he is fucking underrated. I love a bit of Cowboy Bob, folks. There’s a great spot where Hillbilly Jim no sells Piper slapping him. Piper sells that so well. At one point Heenan says “Hillbillies look good on their knees” Whoa now! Uncle Elmer is really bad at wrestling and just does weird thrusts. Piper and Orton steal a win. Not much to say here other than I love the heels and I hate those damn hillbillies! Sorry, I’m in Oklahoma right now.

Jesse goes back to commentary and says Heenan is taking Vinces job. I wish!

Back at the waterpark, Mean Gene is hosting a waterslide race between The Junkyard Dog and Jimmy Hart. Vince hates wrestling I swear to God. JYD says he wants Jimmy Hart “In those cute red undies” Whoa now! JYD wins the race. I don’t know what you want me to say here, this was dumb. Also at the waterpark, Jesse and Terry Funk think it’s all bullshit and the Funker says he’s winning the WWF title.

We see Gorilla Monsoon talking about how Funk branded Hulk Hogan with that cattle iron. I’ve heard that’s also how he got his ugly “IMMORTAL” tattoo. We see Mean Gene with Hogan. Hogan says Funk humiliated him and all of Denver. Whatever that means. The Hulkster brings out his friend, The Junkyard Dog. I’m assuming Hogan is able to put aside his racism for a few minutes as long as he’s getting paid.

MATCH #2- WWF Championship: Hulk Hogan/w Junkyard Dog vs Terry Funk/w Jimmy Hart

The main story of this match is JYD keeping Jimmy Hart at bay. He’s constantly on him. This is easily match of the night. Funk plays the dastardly heel so well. He secretly kicks him in the dick and chokes him with wrist tape. He also delivers a wicked looking piledriver. Hogan does have the up for most of this match since he looks best with a heel who can sell. And Funk can fucking sell. They set up a perfect heel win, but Hogan gets his leg on the rope. Hogan then wins with a clothesline for some reason. Funk freaks out and throws chairs in the ring before scaring a fan on the front row and actually dragging Jimmy Hart to the back by his feet. Mean Gene comes out to talk with Hogan and I don’t even remember what he said because JYD calls himself “Deputy Dog” and I for one find Deputy Dog to be very, very sexy. Look, the match was good but why not have Funk win? Or make Hogan vs Funk the WrestleMania match? Why does it end up being King Kong Bundy?

Back at the waterpark and George Steele is playing with ducks. How fun for him. Jesse, Macho Man, and Liz are watching. Macho says he’s a man so he’s not afraid of animals. He then threatens Liz and throws her into the water. Liz cannot swim and it transitions into Macho Man’s entrance so it looks like she died. Insanity.

MATCH #3: “Macho Man” Randy Savage/w Miss Elizabeth vs George “The Animal” Steele/w Captain Lou Albano

Steele rubs Liz for a bit and Macho yells at her. Weird spot. They stall a lot for a five minute match. They do the Macho using Liz as a human shield spot. Steele decides to eat the turnbuckle during the match, which Vince calls a “Fetish” shut the fuck up. The stuffing from the turnbuckle pad gets stuck in his body hair, which is fun. Macho hits a big axhandle from the top and gets the win, but Steele’s arm is fully under the rope. This is not mentioned as being part of the story. This becomes the intercontinental title program going into WrestleMania. I love these guys, but that’s a little underwhelming to me.

Hogan and Mean Gene intro a music video to celebrate the WWF in 1985 and this actually rocks. And then Jesse Ventura is mad he’s not in it. Beautiful.

Mean Gene is with Nikolai Volkoff and Freddie Blassie. Volkoff says he will end American militarism. Wow, what a heel. Iron Sheik shows up to say IRAN #1 and apparently, he will be ringside for Volkoff even though he doesn’t have his managers license. Ventura is with Corporal Kirchner at the waterpark and says Kirchner can’t use combat tactics in this match. What tactics will he use? I don’t know he jumps into a pool in full gear. This water park thing is so stupid.

MATCH #4- Peace Match: Nikolai Volkoff/w “Classie” Freddie Blassie and The Iron Sheik vs Corporal Kirchner

What the hell is a peace match? Volkoff shows great athleticism and does a cartwheel. Then he wins with a big knee so I guess Russia wins the cold war and there’s peace or something. This was literally nothing, but they keep this feud going into WrestleMania. Corporal Kirchner is such a lame gimmick and an obvious attempt at a new Sgt. Slaughter.

Don Muraco is surfing, and this is the widest man I’ve ever seen. Mean Gene is now with Muraco and Mr. Fuji who are about to wrestle JYD and Steamboat. Muraco forgets his promo and stumbles over his lines until asking Fuji to tell us what they do with dogs in Japan. Fuji then says they eat dogs in multiple different ways. Oh my fucking God what are you guys doing? Mean Gene is now with JYD and Steamboat. Steamboat gives his normal bad babyface promo and JYD says “Kids will follow Don Muraco’s trends” What trends? Being wide?

MATCH #5- Don Muraco and Mr. Fuji vs Ricky Steamboat and The Junkyard Dog

The heels go hard early on because JYD and Steamboat are threats, and Fuji isn’t a full-time wrestler. JYD does an amazing body slam to Fuji here. This match is nothing, but JYD gets a nice win and Steamboat will not stop going after Muraco. Like he won, but he just hates Muraco. This is not the WrestleMania match for some reason.

Vince and Jesse send us home and Jesse says he’s the only commentator who can actually wrestle.

Okay, so I can’t really end this review here. The show is over and it’s bad. But yesterday Hulk Hogan died. Now, this is a pretty big deal. Hogan is one of the most famous wrestlers of all time. He was the biggest star of the 80’s and most people know who he is. The reactions to his death have been very complicated because a lot of people grew up with him and idolized him. I’m not saying you are not allowed to have complex feelings about Hogan. Maybe he was your favorite wrestler as a kid or you watched WrestleMania 18 live and got swept up in his match with The Rock. Maybe the NWO made you feel like wrestling was cool again in the 90’s. And look, I am not a Hogan fan but I will admit that I enjoy some of his matches and I think his cameo in Gremlins 2 is funny. But he was a massive piece of shit. This is a man who said the N word on tape. And he never apologized for it. He only ever apologized for getting caught. Who knows how many times he said it when the mics weren’t on. His best friend, Bubba The Love Sponge (the guy whose wife he was with in the sex tape) has also said racist shit on his radio show. This is a man who used his reality show to constantly body shame his daughter. His daughter who he photos of in a bikini with the caption “Brooke’s Leeeeegs” This is a man who stabbed all of his co workers in the back by union busting. This is a man who ruined TNA by making himself the main character and that companies reputation has never fully recovered long after he’s been gone from it. This is a man who saw his son ruin his friend’s life while driving recklessly and his first fucking thought was “how can we make money off of this” This is a man who used the Hulk Hogan name, catchphrases, and iconography to support Donald Trump for re-election all so he can be a fucking grifter and sell his stupid beer. This is a man who always kept himself on the top by pushing others down. He was an awful person and I’m not going to mince words or change my tune now. People who genuinely defend him are strange to me. Because tell me what is defensible about any of what I just said? Tell me how Terry Bollea is different from Hulk Hogan when he uses the Hulk Hogan name and likeness while doing all of this? Do “Real Americans” take photos with guys in “SS” shirts? Do you fight for the rights of EVERY man? Hogan’s last appearance for WWE was on the first ever RAW on Netflix. I was there. And that motherfucker got booed and humiliated and he looked PISSED. Because that’s what you get when you act like a piece of shit for decades. He ended his career with his chickens coming home to roost. I understand that for his family especially this is probably really difficult. Him and Brooke had a very bad relationship and apparently she got closure with him at the end, which is great for her. I really hope she is doing well because by all accounts she is just a victim of being born into an insane family. But I am not Hogan’s family and neither are you (Probably) so I think it’s okay to say “Hey, this guy fucking sucked”

I’ll be back soon with the next Saturday Night’s Main Event. Stay safe out there.