We’re back again for the third edition of Saturday Night’s Main Event and I am so desperate to talk about anything else! This show has a couple body slams but is mostly pointless Halloween fluff. Let’s just get into this I have stuff to do. Get comfy in those Nose Bleed’s it’s time for Saturday Night’s Main Event!
Cold open of Bobby Heenan dressed as Davey Crockett in a racoon hat. He’s bobbing for pumpkins in chocolate syrup (Eww??) and look! It’s The Great Pumpkin, “Mean” Gene who’s here to make fun of Heenan’s hat. Heenan says his guys have got it in the bag tonight. We then see Hulk Hogan talking about how Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy like to break the rules until Andre The Giant very sexually grabs his chest. Lots of tension between Hogan and Andre. Is it setting up Andre’s eventual heel turn or are they fucking? Call the old WCW hotline and let whoever has that number now know what you think! Roddy piper is dressed as Superman and acting like The Joker. He was saying so much nonsense it was hard to keep up with, but he tells Jesse Ventura that he’s gonna be mean to the hillbillies tonight.
Mean Gene interviews Terry Funk and Jimmy Hart. Hart is much more sinister than normal here and Funk says he wants the WWF title but tonight he’ll deal with JYD. Then he spits tobacco onto the camera lens. Gross! We then get Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura welcoming us to the show and showing off some Halloween costumes in the crowd. We get Mean Gene with Terry Funk again for some reason and we see footage of Funk beating up a ring attendant a few weeks ago. Funk wants to beat JYD. I know! We get JYD’s perspective and he’s ready to beat Terry Funk.
Match #1: Terry Funk/w Jimmy Hart vs The Junkyard Dog
This is the only good match tonight! JYD gets straight into it, wanting to give it to the heel here. JYD always has such great babyface fire and Funk is selling his ass off for him. They get like 5 minutes but really make the most of it here. JYD nearly kills Jimmy Hart at one point, throwing him into the ring face first. But it all leads to that bastard Terry Funk using Jimmy Hart’s megaphone to get a sneaky victory. Afterwards, Jimmy and Funk try to brand JYD with a cattle iron, but JYD is able to fight them off, pull down Jimmy’s pants, and brand his underwear? There’s no brand it’s just white stuff…all over Jimmy Hart’s underwear. Hmm. Terry pulls Jimmy to safety but it is not over between these two athletes. A simple story but very effective, I love these two. Jimmy Hart I can take or leave and 9 times out of 10 I’m leaving him.
Time for the pie eating contest! No, I’m not talking about Eric Bichoff and Stone Cold’s “pie” eating contest from Bad Blood 2003 but we’ll get to that. King Kong Bundy is gonna take on Captain Lou Albano but lets’ break down everyone’s costumes here. King Kong Bundy is Abe Lincoln, The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff are Batman and Robin, Hulk Hogan is Hercules, Tito Santana is Zorro, Captain Lou is Julius Ceasar, Randy Savage and Elizabeth are Tarzan and Jane. If it was a costume contest, Savage and Elizabeth win easily DIG IT. King Kong Bundy has a match tonight so why would you put him in this situation? Does Heenan not care about his guys? This is insanely gross. They’re just shoving pie into their faces until Lou wins. Then Bundy pie faces him (We’re getting this spot at every fucking SNME, I’m surprised Jey Uso didn’t yeet a pie into Gunther’s face) Captain Lou wants even more pie now. This is a wrestling show. Also I forgot that the hillbillies are the three musketeers but who cares?
It’s Piper’s Pit time and Piper and Bob Orton are ready to interview Hillbilly Jim, Cousin Junior, and Uncle Elmer. Piper tries to rile up Elmer by asking him if he had sex with his wife and Elmer says “That’s none of your business” they’re all mad that Piper is so mean and Piper puts all of the blame on Jesse Ventura, who comes down and talks shit to them directly. Piper and Jesse are way to good for a program with the hillbillies, but here we are. Thing break down and the hillbillies take Jesse’s hat and start stomping it and yelling “Get his hat” What a waste of time.
It’s time for the pumpkin dunk! JYD is dressed as a mummy and is here to support Cousin Junior, who will battle Bobby Heenan in the pumpkin dunk. Remember, whoever bobs for the most pumpkins in chocolate syrup wins. This is so gross looking and Heenan wins; please can I have some wrestling?
Mean Gene is now with Heenan, Studd, and Bundy who all claim they’re unslammable. Mean gene then talks to Hogan, Andre, and Captain Lou. Hogan tries to cut a Hogan promo, but Andre cuts him off because he’s ready to fight.
Match #2: King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd/w Bobby “The Brain” Heenan vs Hulk Hogan and Andre The Giant/w Captain Lou Albano
Maybe the pumpkin dunk wasn’t so bad. Hogan starts out trying to slam the big boys but can’t. Vince Mcmahon is distracted on commentary and only wants to talk about Jesse and Piper wrestling the hillbillies. We get some slow ass wrestling, a ref spot, and then things break down for a double DQ…really nothing to say here unfortunately. The faces fight off the heels until Mean Gene comes down and asks them about it. Andre wants MORE and Hogan says they can’t beat Andre. This is a bad show.
Mean Gene talks to Savage and Elizabeth, asking why he has a female manager. Savage hates Mean Gene and his questions and Elizabeth just wants to help Savage out. after they leave Vince yells at Gene? About what I’m not sure but he then proceeds to lust after Elizabeth. If Savage had heard this, I’m assuming he would’ve been debuting at Starrcade not too long after.
Match #3: Intercontinental Championship- Tito Santana vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage/w Miss Elizabeth
Randy Savage just has IT. It isn’t even something you can teach or put into words. None of his peers around this time could touch him on the mic or in the ring. I really do believe he’s the best American wrestler of the 80’s. You can talk about how much Hogan drew or what Flair was doing but neither of them can touch Savage. The second he shows up, he stands out. An absolute star. Anyways, this match never gets going and gets a double count out. Oh well.
Mr Fuji is backstage preparing to fight Ricky Steamboat. Steamboat is breaking wood to prepare for their kung fu challenge. We then see Iron Sheik and Volkoff preparing for the pumpkin pass, but it just looks like they’re making out.
Now it’s time for Roddy Piper’s Halloween. Fucking hell. When I listen to Deadlock (That’s right, I’m a hog dipper) and they talk about giving DDP or Mick Foley strikes because these are guys, they really like but also say annoying and lame stuff during promos, I laugh. I am not laughing now because Hot Rod, this is strike #1 buddy. I consider Piper one of my all-time favorites, but this is just bad. Piper is at his house on Halloween night, preparing to give out candy to children. But instead of candy he’s tying bowling balls to sticks and wrapping up bricks. Vince is in his house for some reason and asks him if this is what he does in his native Scotland and Piper says “NATIVE?!” and starts pretending he has a bone in his nose and mimics throwing a spear. What the fuck? The doorbell rings and Piper lets the children into his house. All of their costumes suck. It’s not Halloween in the 80’s unless a kid is wearing one of those costumes that’s a Yoda mask and a shirt that says, “Star Wars” Piper makes fun of a kid dressed as Hulk Hogan and says “Your arms are bigger than his” that is actually really funny. So, Piper uses his bowling balls to destroy the kids Halloween bags that they carry the candy in. Then he steals their candy and makes them leave, but we learn that this was all an elaborate ruse. The children planned this and the candy Piper stole was actually red pepper and Piper immediately eats it, and it burns his mouth. What a waste of time.
Mean Gene is with Mr Fuji, who is breaking bricks in half. He’s ready to fight Steamboat. We see footage of Fuji and Don Muraco trying to hang Steamboat a few weeks ago. This rivalry seems way too intense for this match. Steamboat says Fuji fears the Dragon.
Match #4: Kung Fu Challenge- Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs Mr. Fuji/w Don Muraco
So, if you didn’t know, Mr. Fuji was a wrestler before he was a manager and for the last few years of his career, he would occasionally work comedy and handicap matches. Fuji has a great look here. This is a pretty nothing match it’s just some strikes until Steamboat hits a missile dropkick for the win. I hate that I have nothing to say about any of the wrestling on this show.
Back to the pumpkin pass. Gene is perving out on Elizabeth. I don’t have much to say here alright? The faces win because Elizabeth drops the pumpkin when Sheik looks like he’s about to die passing it to her. Savage freaks out, the camera looks at Elizabeth’s ass, and we close out with Jesse Ventura saying he wants the hillbillies.
This was an awful night of wrestling. One good match and a ton of unfunny and weird segments. Show this to someone who says wrestling doesn’t matter in wrestling. Show this entire fucking show. I’m gonna go have a drink, see you next week.