Guess who’s back? After a 2-week absence I have returned to bloody your noses and make fun of Hulk Hogan. Full transparency, I was supposed to review The Great American Bash 1985, but the version I found was so heavily edited that there’s no way I can properly review the matches. So, we’re jumping to the second ever Saturday Night’s Main Event. I don’t have much more of an intro so get comfy in those nose bleeds and let’s talk about Saturday Night’s Main Event.

We start with our old pal Mean Gene interviews Nikolai Volkoff and Freddie Blassie. Nikolai is about to challenge Hogan for the WWF title and claims that he is capable of firing Russia’s nuclear arsenal at the United States. Blassies vouches for him, but that doesn’t seem true to me! Hulk Hogan in his all-white attire says he’ll win for America. Alright.

Mean Gene is now with Uncle Elmer and Hillbilly Jim. Uncle Elmer will wrestle AND get married tonight. Now that’s a worker. Roddy Piper interrupts and calls Elmer ugly. Very fun I guess! The main attraction tonight is the marriage between Uncle Elmer and Joyce Stazko. This was before wrestling weddings became a trope so it doesn’t go down how you might expect. There will be no tombstoning priests, Eric Bichoff ripping off prosthetics, or Teddy Long having a heart attack. Man, I love wrestling.

Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura are on the call tonight. Jesse is on his A game and Vince fucking sucks as always.

Mean Gene interviews Hogan AGAIN and Hogan says he hates the Russian flag and loves America. Thanks for telling us again, Terry.

Match #1: WWF World Championship- Nikolai Volkoff/w Freddie Blassie vs Hulk Hogan

This is a pretty funny match that makes Volkoff look way better than Hogan. First of all, he kicks Hogan in the ass to start things off before he rips of Hogans own shirt and chokes him with it. This is mostly Volkoff getting heat, but we do get the hilarious image of him awkwardly falling onto the table at ringside. He keeps giving it to Hogan, even doing what I can only describe as a wedgie military slam? I feel like wrestlers used to stretch out each other’s gear more often. Hogan is able to Hulk up and get the win. I really didn’t care for this outside of a couple laughs. Where was Iron Sheik? Also, Hogan starts shining his boot with the Russian flag. Don’t let his hero Trump see that.

Gene interviews Hogan AGAIN and guess what? He still likes America and is excited for the wedding. We then get Mean Gene talking to Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer, and Cousin Junior. Who is Cousin Junior? Elmer says he’s not worried about the wedding or his match. I really hate hillbilly gimmicks. Easily one of my least favorite tropes in all of wrestling. Here are some guys in overalls! If you wrestled in the 80’s there was a decent chance you would be a cowboy, a redneck, a foreign heel, or a patriot.

Match #2: Uncle Elmer/w Hillbilly Jim and Cousin Junior vs Jerry Valiant

How many Valiant’s are there? Elmer uses his wedding powers to slam and beat Valiant in 12 seconds. They tell you it’s 6 but it’s not! I did not like this. Just let him get married? Elmer cuts a bad promo that I actually forgot. Also Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the crowd. Terminate these hillbillies please.

Jesse Ventura does a brief interview segment called “The Body Shop” with…BOBBY THE BRAIN HEENAN YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH BABBBYYYY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry, I fucking love Bobby Heenan. Heenan has put a bounty on the head of Paul Orndorff and Ventura is asking about it. Heenan has raised the price from $25,000 to $50,000 and hopes Piper takes care of him tonight. Also some asshole in the crowd is blasting an airhorn and ruining the moment. I’m assuming it was a young Pat McAfee. Not much happens here unfortunately but it’s always great to see The Brain.

Mean Gene interviews Paul Orndorff and Orndorff just says Piper’s a guy in a dress a couple times and then speaks unintelligibly. Look, how is Orndorff being a bad promo not a bigger joke amongst wrestling fans? He’s easily as funny as Sid. Gene then interviews Roddy Piper, who claims he will KILL Bobby Heenan if he doesn’t get his money. Jesus Christ.

Match #3: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper vs “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff

This is easily match of the night. This is just a good ass brawl between two guys who hate each other. Piper does want Heenan’s bounty, but it feels like he forgets about that because he stops even trying to win. These two just beat the shit out of each other and eventually fight all the way backstage and into the locker room until Piper can lock himself inside. Look, this is a brief description but this match is really good. Such an easy stand out on a very lame show and it makes me want more of these two.

It’s time for the big wedding! The bit here is that Uncle Elmer can’t properly repeat anything the priest says. Haha so funny! And the poor bride to be gets pelted directly in the head with something from the crowd and doesn’t even flinch. Props to her. Eventually, Roddy Piper comes out and objects and says he hates this and yes so do I. Then he just leaves. Okay, Hot Rod! Elmer and Joyce are now married for real. And I mean like real real this was legal. We get footage of the reception area and it’s full of pigs and chickens. I hate Vince.

Mean gene interviews Bobby Heenan, Big John Studd, and King Kong Bundy. Studd says Andre is the third best giant in wrestling, which popped me. Heenan says NBC has a peacock, but Andre is a 500-pound turkey. That’s the most classic Heenan line we get tonight so I’ll take it.

Match #4: Andre The Giant and Tony Atlas vs King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd/w Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

This is a very slow match that is mostly Andre choking people. Atlas is the most athletic guy here but doesn’t get much to do. But he must’ve had a great time being surrounded by such gigantic feet. Don’t google why I made that joke. This match is over before it really gets started with Bundy and Studd causing a DQ. Hogan comes out to save the babyfaces and challenge Bundy and Studd to a tag match with HIM and Andre. Nothing to see here just notable racist Hulk Hogan taking a black man’s spot. What was the point of any of this? It just makes Atlas look like a chump.

It’s time for the best thing on this show. Mean Gene is in safari gear at the Detroit Zoological Park searching for George “The Animal” Steele. This is where he’s been living since turning face and surviving electroshock therapy. This is just an excuse for them to do bits like Steele claiming a tiger is from Detroit and Gene saying “They have been sleepy this season” Steele calls a lemur “Heenan” which is pretty funny. This must’ve been so fun to film. We don’t get dumb stuff like this outside of NXT anymore. Mean Gene steps in poop and says goodbye to Steele, who runs away into the grass. These two play off of each other so well it’s just a delight to watch.

Now Mean Gene is interviewing Greg Valentine, Brutus Beefcake, and Johnny Valiant. Valentine and Beefer have won the tag belts between shows and are very cocky about it. Valentine says they’ll fight anyone. A lot of wrestlers say that.

Match #5: WWF World Tag Team Championship- The Dream Team (Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and Brutus Beefcake)/w Jimmy Valiant vs “Leaping’” Lanny Poffo and Tony Garea

This match starts out fairly technical and then the heels win. That’s legit all there is to say here. There is no substance. But it’s nice to see Lanny.

We’re now at the wedding reception where Jesse Ventura is sitting with the babyfaces for some reason and talking over them. Orndorff tries to call him out with his goofy cadence. We see Lanny Poffo, who looks naked because of the height of the table. It is so weird hearing his voice come out of him as a much younger man with a mustache. He gets to do one of his poems and everyone claps. Mean Gene does a comedy bit where he breaks a glass while trying to make an announcement. Tiny Tim shows up as a surprise guest to give Uncle Elmer a ukelele since he got married on live TV in 1969. I was not expecting that cameo. Jesse Ventura tries to make fun of everyone before Hillbilly Jim pushes him into a cake, which I guess is a running gag on SNME now. Uncle Emer and Joyce dance over the credits. Thank fuck this is over.

That was pretty rough. This is a 64 minute show and the only joy I got out of it was from Piper vs Orndorff and Mean Gene and George Steele’s bit. There’s just so much boring Vince booking here. DQ’s, bad comedy, and a tag match that sets up a tag match with a different partner. I don’t think this show accomplished in making anyone look good besides Piper (and also George Steele) even Hogan’s heroic title defense just felt basic. And there was never a moment of doubt that he wouldn’t overcome Volkoff. Whatever, next week I’ll talk about the third one of these and it takes place on Halloween. What will Jesse Ventura wear?