Well here we are, the showcase of the immortals. This week we’re taking a break from the NWA and heading to New York for the World Wrestling Federation’s first ever pay-per-view, Wrestlemania. There will be some familiar faces from my Starrcade reviews but this show is where we begin discussing an entirely different company with a totally different style and booking philosophy on wrestling. So get comfy in those nosebleeds while we take a look at Wrestlemania I.

We open with Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse ‘The Body” Ventura welcoming us to the event. While the NWA and JCP’s announce team feels more like sports broadcasting, the WWF has always focused more on characters on the commentary team. Jesse Ventura is a retired pro wrestler and future governor who is keeping his gimmick alive. He’s garish and cocky and absolutely hates babyfaces. Gorilla Monsoon is a retired pro wrestler who is just a nice, big man. He’s Jesses straight man. When Jesse says “Oh that Tito Santana is a loud mouth I hope he loses” Gorilla is there to yell “Oh will you stop?” This is the dynamic every WWF/E commentary team will be chasing for the rest of time. Our good pal Howard Finkel, the greatest ring announcer of his generation says the legendary line “Welcome to Wrestlemania” Finkel’s reading of this has now replaced Vinces version in hype packages. This is because Vince is a bad person and Fink rocks. We then get America’s favorite rascal, “Mean” Gene Okerlund singing the national anthem. Honestly, I’ll never understand why he didn’t do this every year. Next, Lord Alfred Hayes OH HELL YEEEEAH. Now Hayes is a guy I’ve always had a fondness for. He’s very bad at talking, but it makes him so charming. I remember my uncle telling me he saw Hayes wrestle back in the 70s, which I’m sure was a barn burner. By sad coincidence he actually passed away on my birthday in 2005. Hayes intros us into Gene interviewing Tito Santana. Tito says he knows that The Executioner is a big man, but he’ll win. Then we have The Executioner telling us he’s going after Tito’s leg. Good luck fellas.

Match #1: The Executioner vs Tito Santana

This is a fairly decent match. Tito has lightning quick offense, taking it to Executioner early and knocking him into a camera man. Executioner works the leg when he can, but this is Titos match. Now Tito sells the powerful offense of Executioner when he needs to, but in the end he overcomes him…with the figure four leg lock? I think that’s an odd finish to have when Tito’s legs are the ones in trouble. Also The Executioner is Buddy Rose. I feel like I know him best for training Brian Zane and also this match. Nothing special but good for Tito. Ariba!

Alfred Hayes calls King Kong Bundy a “mighty gentleman” yes! Mean Gene interviews King Kong Bundy and S.D. Jones, both of whom are ready.

Match #2: Special Delivery Jones vs King Kong Bundy/w Jimmy Hart

So this match is Bundy hitting the avalanche and splash, pinning S.D. Jones in what is canonically 9 seconds. That is not true. It’s about 24 seconds long. Anyway, that’s it! Bundy does look like a monster.

Mean Gene interviews Matt Borne, who puts over Ricky Steamboat as a great talent, but says he’s too nice. Steamboat then calls this match the test of his life and says he will develop meanness.

Match #3: Matt Borne vs Ricky Steamboat

Ricky Steamboat has made the jump from the NWA to the WWF. This match is mostly a showcase for him. Lots of good offense and Borne does his best to make him look good. There are definitely way too many rest spots for a 4 minute long match. But in the end, Steamboat gets a good win. Ya know, Wrestlemania I is mostly matches to make a guy look good. And it makes sense, Steamboat is gonna be a main midcard guy for the next couple of years.

Alfred Hayes stumbles into introducing Mean Gene interviewing David and Bruno Sammartino. David is a babyface who wants to win and Bruno interrupts him to say he’ll punch Johnny Valiant in the face. We then get Brutus Beefcake and Johnny Valiant. Valiant makes fun of Bruno in a pretty decent promo and Beefcake does a raspberry into the mic. Could you imagine his career if he wasn’t friends with Hulk Hogan? You can’t because it wouldn’t exist.

Match #4: Brutus Beefcake/w Johnny Valiant vs David Sammartino/w Bruno Sammartino

I do not like this match. I’ve watched this show a few times over the years and it always rubs me the wrong way. It’s bland and I don’t believe in either man here. I don’t buy David as a fresh new babyface nor do I buy Brutus Beefcake is a scary heel. It just doesn’t work for me, brother. They share uninspired holds and moves for 10 minutes until Valiant decides to slam David and Bruno decks him, leading to a double DQ. See the Vince McMahon booking strategy in the 80s is “Make the face look good” or “Have no one get over” and people to this day will call him a genius.

Mean Gene interviews Greg Valentine who says he’s ready to nail the Junkyard Dog. JYD, who is insanely charismatic is dead set on winning gold tonight.

Match #5: WWF Intercontinental Championship: Greg “The Hammer” Valentine/w Jimmy Hart vs The Junkyard Dog

This is a very short match, but I do have some positives here. JYD sells for Valentine really well while looking like a heroic babyface. Just when it feels like we’re getting started, Valentine pins JYD with his feet in the ropes and pins him. Oh? Okay that’s out of nowhere. But I guess a heel win isn’t bad. But wait! Tito Santana runs out and tells the referee what happened so the ref says “Alright match restarted” then Valentine leaves and gets counted out. And he retains since you can only lose a title by pinfall or submission. This is awful. Valentine gets the visual pinfall, loses, and keeps the title. This accomplishes nothing. You needed to have a decisive winner here regardless of who you wanted it to be. But I do think JYD should’ve won the belt.

Mean Gene interviews The Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkoff who are ready to win the belts for their countries and The U.S. Express are done talking they just wanna win.

Match #6: WWF World Tag Team Championships- The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff/w Freddie Blassie vs The U.S. Express (Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo)/w Lou Albano

So we’re back to USA vs Foreigners trope with probably the most famous version of that gimmick, The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff. While I do think the nationalism stuff in American wrestling is lame, Sheik and Volkoff are just great here. They play two rough heels who give it to the babyfaces. The faces have to outsmart them to even have a chance. And despite this, Sheik uses Blassie’s cane behind the refs back to get the win and capture the tag titles. Sheik is just leaving his prime so this definitely feels like a nice reward for putting over Hulk Hogan the previous year. Not a special match, but certainly decent. Also Mike Rotundo is the future I.R.S and of course the father of Bray Wyatt and Bo Dallas.

Mean Gene interviews the new tag team champions, who deny cheating. Hell yeah they do. Alfred Hayes then stumbles over saying the word giant a few times before we cut back to Mean Gene interviewing Bobby Heenan and Big John Studd. Studd and Heenan have a bag full of $15,000 and Mean Gene keeps trying to steal from it, causing Heenan to snap at him. How can you not love Mean Gene and Heenan together?

Match #7: $15,000 Body Slam Challenge, Career Threatening Match- Andre The Giant vs Big John Studd/w Bobby Heenan

This is not a technical masterpiece by any means. Andre is passed his prime here, so he’s not the most agile. A lot of his offense is just kicks and chokes. In fact, he almost kicks Studd in the dick at one point. It’s very slow and you can feel them stretch things out with rest spots and Studd going to the outside. Eventually Andre slams Studd to end this boring match, save his career, and win $15,000 that he throws into the crowd. He even tells Mean Gene he doesn’t want it. This was really just an excuse to get Andre on the card.

We then see Alfred Hayes, who is kissed by The Fabulous Moolah. I don’t like that. We get Mean Gene interviewing Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper. Lauper has great energy and talks about how she’s gonna be a great manager because she learned it from Captain Lou. We then get stupid looking Fabulous Moolah and Leilani Kai who are both ready for victory I guess.

Match #8: WWF Women’s Championship- Leilani Kai/w The Fabulous Moolah vs Wendi Richter/w Cyndi Lauper

First of all, Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper look like stars here. Their entrance with the running to the ring? Great stuff. This is a solid match, but it’s the Wendi Richter show. It’s all about showing that she’s the top woman in the game. Wendi is so underrated and doesn’t get talked about enough. And I know that’s because she ended up being the victim of the original screw job later this year. Wendi gets the win here and celebrates with Cyndi Lauper while Moolah attempts to grand stand and steal the moment. Cyndi Lauper is probably the best example of a celebrity enhancing the star power of a wrestler. This like actually worked.

We love Wendi but she cuts a fairly awkward promo afterwards. Then we have entrances for our celebrities involved in the main event. Billy Martin, Liberachi, and Muhammad Ali all come down.

Match #9: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff/w Bob Orton vs Hulk Hogan and Mr. T/w Jimmy Snuka

Pat Patterson and Muhammad Ali are the special referees

Roddy Piper’s entrance rocks here. The bag pipes followed by his shit eating grin while surrounded by security? Put the belt on him! Piper and Orton were both at the first Starrcade and here they are at the first Wrestlemania. I love Mr. T’s entrance robe because that’s in like every WWE game for created characters. This match is a pretty chaotic brawl and is easily match of the night. I don’t love it by any means but it’s way ahead of everything else tonight. Piper is a dastardly heel who feels like he just wants to embarrass Hogan and T. Hogan (who I hate) is the valiant (lol) hero who looks like an action figure and is always ready to stop Piper. Mr. T actually does a decent job at being the celebrity who’s not a pro wrestler but he’s brave and tough and absolutely hates Hot Rod. Orndorff unfortunately does the least here, but he is a good lackey for Piper. Bob Orton is a really great heel friend here, trying to help his boys cheat. I don’t like talking about Jimmy Snuka. In the end, Bob Orton tries to hit Hogan with his cast, but misses and hits his own man, causing Hogan to cheat to win. Afterwards Piper takes a swing at Pat Patterson. Also Hogan and Mr. T check on Paul Orndorff, setting up his face turn.

Mean Gene interviews the winners backstage. Mr. T puts over wrestling like crazy, talking about how tough it is. Great stuff from him. Hulk Hogan asks Mean Gene if he knows what turns him on. Yeah, Bubba The Love Sponges wife. Jimmy Snuka calls Hulk Hogan his big brother, which I’m sure made steam come out of Brutus Beefcake’s ears. Gorilla Monsoon and Jeese Ventura send us home as we…cut to credits? Like full credits? That’s pretty cool.

The first Wrestlemania. Not an amazing show, but it’s fine! It’s fun and I like going back to it. Definitely some nonsense here and there but mostly an inoffensive show. Next week we’re gonna stay with the WWF as I talk about the first ever Saturday Night’s Main Event! Oh, and fuck Hulk Hogan all day everyday.